Sorry Doesn't Work
by chaletian
Summary: A look in Faith's head as she decides to turn herself in to the police. Spoilers for Five by Five and Sanctuary.


Okay, my first Angel fic, so be nice. This started off with a whole Faith/Wes slant, then sort of evolved into just Faith.  
  
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Faith remembered the first time she had met Wesley Wyndham-Pryce. Following the disaster that had been Gwendoline Post, the Council had sent her a new watcher, and Wesley had been the result. Suit-wearing, stake-up-his-ass Wesley, whose greatest contribution had been… Well, Ihadn't/I. And when she hit LA, it hadn't occurred to her that he would have changed. So, ole Wes was working with Angel - big deal! Messing around with books, and generally, well, screaming like a girl when anything demonesque reared its spectacularly evil looking head.  
  
When Angel didn't want to play, Faith knew she had to up the ante, so she went to get his friends. Evil Villains 101 - always go for the friends to add spice to any confrontation. Queen C was there, and, honest to God, no different to how she had been in high school. But Wes - no, Wes had changed. That whole punching in the face gave that away first off. Who would have thought ole Wesley would have the balls to piss off a slayer? Course, she hit him back, and a lot harder, but that was beside the point.  
  
But it was when she was really getting into the swing of the whole torture scenario that she really noticed the changes. For a start, he wasn't screaming like the proverbial. Not to say it wouldn't be easy, what with the gag and all, but he didn't seem to show any desire to scream. Not even when she took the gag off. She thought he was doing the "we care about you" speech, possibly seguing neatly into the "we can help you" speech, and finishing off with a smidgen of "you're a good person really". What she had not been expecting was the vulgar, "You are a piece of sh-".  
  
She wanted to make him scream, make him hurt. Wanted to punish him for not being there, for not being what Giles was to Buffy. Wanted to punish him for making her need the Mayor. For making her what she was.  
  
But he wouldn't scream.   
  
And he wouldn't kill her.  
  
She had seen him, coming out of the building, knife in hand. Clutching Angel, she had sunk to the ground, desperate to find some relief for the aching hole in her chest, for the darkness that had been growing for years. Death - she had danced with it, holding it at bay, but now she wanted to embrace it. And she saw Wesley, with the knife. And, for that moment, hoped he would use it.  
  
He hadn't, of course. Because he had always believed that she could be "found", could be brought back from the edge. That's why he had set the Watchers' Council on her, because he had thought they could help her. Wasn't Wesley's fault he was so naïve. Later on, she heard him arguing with Angel, up in the office. "Yesterday I had full feeling in my right arm." She should feel guilty, but she didn't feel anything. Only later, when what she had done in the past began to sink in, when what she had done to Wesley in that apartment sank in, did she feel the guilt, tearing at her insides.  
  
So many people had used her. Her mother, the Council, all the men she had screwed, the Mayor…even these latest, the lawyers. And she let them. She just went with it. What was wrong with her? All these people, they weren't interested in Faith, they just wanted what she could do for them. But Buffy, Angel - and yes, even Wesley - had wanted to help her. And she threw it back in their faces. Was she really evil? Was that what all this meant? But if it was being evil, why did she feel so bad?  
  
She didn't know if she could change. In a way, it was easier just to be bad. She could walk out, just leave, and everything could go back to how it was. She didn't have to be good, didn't have to feel the pain and guilt about all the things she had done. Just walk away.  
  
In the end, she couldn't walk away. She wanted to be free of the pain, yes, but she wanted to be free of the dark as well. Of the lurking shadows that dogged her footsteps, that whispered to her that it was easier to hurt others than help, easier to just take what you want than earn it.  
  
Buffy pretty much wanted her dead. The Council definitely wanted her dead. The police weren't too bothered either way, though it sounded like dead would be good for them, too. Wesley - not on the pro-Faith list. She had been standing in Angel's office when her former watcher walked in, wary, but civil. He had opened the door to the stairs, and stood aside pointedly, waiting for her to go down. Then she found out the Council had come.  
  
She had caused so much pain. And she didn't want to die. But maybe she did have to make amends. Just saying sorry didn't work. "Sorry" wouldn't make it up to Buffy for stealing her life. "Sorry" wouldn't make it up to Angel for trying to kill him - again.   
  
"Sorry" wouldn't give Wesley back the feeling in his right arm.  
  
So she had to make a stand. Had, for once, to do what was right. And that was why she was sitting in the police precinct when they all arrived. 


End file.
